You don’t know how jarring it is to hear someone trying to do themselves in the same way you’ve considered for a couple years now.

Like I can’t count how many times I’ve looked at a knife or pills and know that I could very easily just quit. That when no one’s home, I can just do it and get it over with. 

I’m afraid of death just as much as I’m afraid of living. It’s not really fair…

So instead of taking any action, I’m just letting myself suffer. I haven’t made anything better for me this year – I’ve actually made things a lot worse. Quit my job only to have very little income from doing odd jobs for my family. And when I mean very little, I mean I just barely get over 100 bucks every 2 weeks and even then, I might end up under that soon.

I haven’t applied to college yet because even though I only wanted to take a year off, I still have no motivation. I have no interest in going back to college. Every time I think about what awaits me there, I get more and more frustrated because I don’t want to go for the sake of my health but I have to. If I want to teach child and create a base for them, I have to take these courses. Not only these, but I have to go to University right after for another year to up my degree, and then another year for a teacher’s degree.

I just want to work. I want to actually have a purpose and not shove myself in so much debt. I want to have a job I’m comfortable with, but the ones I am I can’t get because everything needs experience and I have none.

So I’m left in a downward spiral of fear and panic and I just don’t want to do this anymore. I just want to genuinely like life again.